


A Piece Of Home

by babayaga888



Category: Better Call Saul, Breaking Bad
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Felina, beginning of a relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-15
Updated: 2015-04-15
Packaged: 2018-03-23 02:45:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3751480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babayaga888/pseuds/babayaga888
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'It was nearly time to close the shop - when a late customer stepped in and approached the counter. Saul sighed inwardly and turned towards him. His heart almost stopped. It was a familiar face and it looked right at him with big light blue eyes.'</p><p>Jesse finds Saul in Nebraska and all of a sudden their lives don't seem so hopeless anymore...</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Piece Of Home

 

Saul looked in the mirror. This wasn't his face he saw there. At least he didn't flinch anymore when he saw that damn mustache underneath his nose. He hated it. He had always hated facial hair in any form. It made him look like a complete moron. Of course it was the best way to make his face less recognizable - still he couldn't get used to it.

It had been almost a year now that he had abandoned his old life and started a new one in Omaha, Nebraska and nobody had come after him. Obviously the vacuum guy had done a good job with this new identity.

Saul reached for the razor and got rid of the hideous thing.

The partly good mood it got him in vanished after the first fifteen minutes at work - another thing he hated. Standing the whole day behind a damn counter, fabricating stupid cinnamon rolls and taking shit from grumpy customers wasn't his idea of a fulfilling job. He tried not to think of his fancy office back in Albuquerque, his beautiful white Cadillac, his life as a lawyer... His thoughts trailed off to the past like so often when he was at work.

He had come across a bunch of really crazy clients back then and they had made his days worth while. Of course some of them had been a little too crazy, not to say lunatic. Like Walter White, or Jesse Pinkman. There was hardly a day he didn't think of the two of them. He easily could have blamed them for ruining his life, but he knew all too well that it had been on his own account. Though, he still thought if Walt hadn't been scheming and plotting and pulling strings like he had everything could have turned out in a better way. Jesse wouldn't have ratted them all out to the DEA if it hadn't been for Walt's deceptions.

Jesse. He often wondered what had happened to him; if he was still alive. He had never heard anything about him on the news.

Saul felt the familiar burn of forlornness in his chest. And it didn't get better - it seemed to get worse with every day of his exile.

Lately he had been thinking of putting an end to it all once in a while. Of course he was too much of a coward to act on it. Although maybe he could take some pills and just sleep his way out of this miserable life. He could buy them easily on the way home tonight...

His co-worker nudged him. "Stop daydreaming, Gene, there are customers waiting."

 

It was nearly time to close the shop. Saul was getting nervous about his half-hearted plan with the pills - when a late customer stepped in and approached the counter. Saul sighed inwardly and turned towards him.

His heart almost stopped.

It was a familiar face and it looked right at him with big light blue eyes.

"Jesse!"

The next moment he looked around warily but no one else was there to see or hear them.

"Yeah, it's me," the apparition in front of him said, a small smile curling the corner of its mouth.

Saul felt a bit dizzy as if someone had hit him over the head.

Jesse was aware of their situation and ordered a coffee to go. Saul had never poured a cup of coffee more slowly in his life. His brain was searching frantically for a way to communicate without looking suspicious to any possible observer. Although he doubted there were any. He took the bill, turned it around and scribbled something on the backside of it. Then he handed the coffee and the bill to Jesse who gave him a friendly nod and left.

Saul stared after him til he was gone. Did he just have a hallucination? Was he so desperate already?

No, there was the money on the counter Jesse left but still, he could have just imagined Jesse's face onto a complete other person.

He hurried to clean up the facilities and get out onto the parking lot. He couldn't see Jesse's car anywhere but he certainly had gotten himself a new one after what had happened. Saul looked around and there was a car standing next to the exit with someone sitting behind the wheel.

Saul got in his own crappy car and pulled out on the street; the other one followed him.

When he reached his apartment his heart was beating so fast he could barely breathe. The other car had stopped somewhere around the corner and he waited impatiently. He realized how deep the paranoia stuck in their minds. That was ridiculous. Nobody was observing them. And still...

When Jesse appeared in his rear view mirror he sighed with relief and got out of his car. They went to the apartment door in silence and Saul opened it. He watched Jesse walk in, then he closed the door and heard the lock snap into place with a satisfying sound. For now they were safe.

Jesse turned around and Saul noticed that his hair was longer like when he first met him and there were some painful looking scars on his cheeks and one right across the bridge of his nose.

"How did you find me?" Saul asked because that was the burning question.

"I went back to Albuquerque and found that motherfucker with the vacuums. He told me."

"He _told_ you?" Saul asked incredulously.

"Not exactly," Jesse said. "I made him."

Saul held his breath. "How?"

"You think I put a gun to his face, do you? Or kicked the shit out of him."

"Just tell me you didn't."

Jesse rolled his eyes. "I threatened him. He totally believed me when I told him I would go to the DEA and tell them about his real business. I guess he got the impression that I had nothing to lose. Oh, and yeah, I did all this with a gun pointed at his head. Otherwise he would have done the same thing to me."

Saul stared at Jesse, his mouth slightly open.

"You're kidding me. You did all this to find me?"

Jesse shrugged. "I just had to. You know since you're the last one who knows everything about me."

Suddenly Saul didn't feel safe anymore. Last time he had talked to Jesse the kid had broken his nose and a few ribs.

He cautiously backed away, raising a hand in front of him. "So, you... you aren't here to kill me, or are you?"

"What?" Jesse looked at him with wide eyes, puzzled.

"You said I'm the last one who knows everything," Saul said defensively.

"Yeah, and I wanna _talk_ to the last person who knows," Jesse said, shaking his head. "Saul, relax, I'm not gonna murder you."

"Last time we saw each other you almost did," Saul said, sounding a bit reproachful.

Jesse sighed. "That's a long time ago. In the meantime I figured out that you didn't know what Mr. White was up to. You are not the type to poison children."

"Thank you," Saul replied with dignity.

"And by the way, I'm sorry for breaking your nose."

Saul reached for the bridge of his nose as if to check on it. He had formed a habit out of this since it had been broken.

"Forget it," he said. "I'm sorry for what I've done to you."

Jesse looked down. "What about the rat thing?" he asked, clearly ashamed of it.

"I probably would have done the same in your position and I'm totally ok with putting all the blame on Walt. He was really evil."

A sad smile appeared on Jesse's face. "Not all the time," he said in a very low voice.

Saul thought of the brief moment when he had wanted Walt to get rid of Jesse in a permanent way and his guts burned with shame. They clearly were even. But Jesse didn't need to know.

"So, what about you? How's your new life?" Jesse asked to change the subject.

Saul was a bit caught off guard by that question and he didn't want to talk about his pathetic life. All he wanted was to forget about it. Jesse showing up at the mall had been a very welcome distraction so far. He walked over to the armchair and slumped down on it.

Jesse followed him, looking for another seat but there was none.

"It's awful," Saul blurted out against his will and Jesse looked at him, surprised. "The job is awful, this apartment is awful, everything is just..."

"Awful?" Jesse offered with a raised eyebrow and immediately felt like a total dick when he saw Saul's expression.

"Sorry," he said.

Saul kept silent and Jesse sat down on the arm of the chair. "Is it really that bad?"

Saul felt the sudden proximity very intensely like Jesse had actually touched him and it made something inside of him want to let loose.

"I don't mean to spill my guts to you but you asked and yeah, it is bad."

Jesse waited patiently for him to continue. Saul rubbed his hands over his face. "I'm not sure I can take it any longer," he sighed.

Jesse didn't know what to say to that. He remembered having the exact same thought over and over again in the past years and he hadn't found a solution yet. The best was to keep going, one day after another, one step at a time. It makes it easier than always having to look at the whole terrifying picture. He was about to put this into words he could tell Saul when he heard him take a ragged breath, sounding like the beginning of a sob.

Jesse put a hand on Saul's shoulder. His heart was flooded with sympathy. He knew exactly what it felt like sitting somewhere with his face hidden in his hands and wishing the pain would disappear already. Saul leaned into his touch and he had no other chance than to put his arm around him, letting him bury his face into Jesse's shoulder. He couldn't support Saul's weight in this position and Saul didn't seem able to keep himself upright, so he slid into the small space next to Saul on the seating surface of the chair and wrapped both his arms around him. He felt Saul's fingers curl into his hoodie.

Saul had the strange feeling that he was watching the scene from somewhere distant and he was way too exhausted to feel embarrassed right now. He just wanted to cling to Jesse's warm body.

Jesse tried to comfort him but Saul was sobbing like a dam had broken inside of him, soaking the shoulder of Jesse's t-shirt with hot tears. There was nothing Jesse could do but to hold him and wait it out. He realized that he had been stroking Saul's back for a while now and stopped, feeling a little embarrassed all of a sudden. There had been times in his earlier life when he would have considered this a rather gay thing to do but these times were long gone and now it would be just stupid not to do it because Saul needed it and he remembered a lot of situations when he himself would have needed someone to hold him. So he continued rubbing slow circles over Saul's back. Somehow it felt good for once not to be the one breaking down but the one to give solace.

"Hey, it's all gonna be ok," Jesse tried again when Saul eventually calmed down.

"If you say so," Saul sniffled and lifted his head, his face wet with tears. He didn't want to look at Jesse like this. "I'll be right back," he said.

He went to the bathroom, washed his face and blew his nose, avoiding to look in the mirror. Now he was a bit ashamed of his breakdown; and anxious what Jesse might think of him. The thought of how caringly Jesse had tried to console him made something inside of him burn with abashment.

Jesse was still sitting in the chair when he returned, he had not moved as if to keep the space next to him free for Saul to sit down again. Saul noticed the big wet stain on Jesse's t-shirt.

"I'm sorry for that," he said. There was no point in playing casual so he decided on dealing with the situation just as he felt about it.

Jesse looked down on his shoulder and shook his head. "Never mind. Are you feeling better now?"

"I don't know yet." Saul sat down on the coffee table, facing Jesse.

Jesse smiled at him and it warmed Saul's lonely heart in a surprising way. He felt a heat he had almost forgotten existed, rising to his cheeks.

"I'm so glad you're here," Saul said and he meant every word of it. It was still like a miracle Jesse had found him here in the middle of nowhere.

Now, Omaha wasn't exactly the middle of nowhere but to Saul it had felt like it from the beginning.

"Me to," Jesse replied honestly. They looked at each other, slowly and cautiously sinking their gazes into each other's eyes. Jesse had to make an effort to look away eventually. Saul noticed that his cheeks were a bit red. He couldn't take his eyes off of him. Jesse was the only person left alive he could talk to about what had happened and who knew his real identity. He was like a treasure he had found in the ruins of his life.

"Saul?"

Oh, and to hear his name again!

"Yeah, that's me," he said with a sudden jolt of joy hitting his heart.

Jesse smiled. "Right, that's you. Saul Goodman."

Saul closed his eyes for a moment. "Say it again."

"Saul Goodman." There was a slight chuckle in Jesse's voice. He was glad to see Saul's expression relaxing and his face gaining a bit of color again.

"God, I missed this name." Saul looked at him. "And I missed talking to someone. I mean, really talking - to someone who knows."

Jesse nodded. "I know what you mean. I've been driving around this damn country for half a year now and I met a few people but I never could talk to them about what was really on my mind. That's terrible."

"You can talk to me now," Saul said. "I'm dying to hear how it all ended... and... not least what happened to your face." Saul wasn't sure if he crossed a line with this but he wanted to know.

Jesse let out a small groan and raked his hands over his face like he wanted to wipe away the scars. "Alright, but some other time, ok? It's all a bit too much right now."

"Sure, whenever you're ready."

Saul looked him over; he seemed skinnier and paler than ever.

"Do you have a place to stay for the night?" he asked.

"No, not yet, but I saw a motel somewhere around the corner... "

"You can stay here if you want," Saul offered immediately.

Jesse looked around. "You don't even have a couch," he said, raising an eyebrow like he wanted to say _do you want me to sleep on the floor?_

"That's a convertible chair you're sitting on," Saul said with a smirk.

"Oh, that's fine then. Compared to the back seat of my car it's gonna be like a king size bed in a five star hotel."

Saul sighed. "I miss the old times."

"What happened to your money?" Jesse asked. "You did have lots of it, right?"

"Part of it went to the guy who gave me this new identity. I still got the rest but I can't spend it, it's too risky."

"So, you're still rich," Jesse stated with a smile.

Saul shrugged. "Sort of." Something he had learned the hard way since he lived his new life was that money didn't make you happy when it was the only thing you had left.

"What about you?" he asked.

Jesse shook his head slightly. "Don't remind me. I had to do some really awful jobs to make ends meet."

"What about the rest of the five million you literally threw out of the window?"

Jesse snorted out a mirthless laugh. "It's hidden in my house. That's if the house is still mine. I have no idea what happened to it."

"So, someone might have found it?"

"No, I don't think so, I hid it very well."

"Do you wanna try to go back and get it?"

Jesse shrugged. "I don't know. Going back to Albuquerque once was enough. I was scared as shit, even though I got there by night so nobody would see my face. I don't wanna do this again soon."

Saul felt once more flattered that Jesse had taken the risk to get recognized just to find him.

"Your face isn't that publicly known. Unlike mine, I mean."

"Let's see, I don't know." Jesse looked tired and Saul got up.

"I'll get you a pillow and a blanket," he said. "Feel free to use the bathroom and everything else." He made a gesture including the whole tiny apartment.

"Thank you." Jesse gave him one of those heart warming smiles that turned Saul's stomach upside down.

"No, thank _you_ for saving me," Saul replied in a serious tone.

Jesse blushed slightly. "I didn't save you," he said shyly.

"Yes, you did. You have no idea."

 

Later Jesse curled up on the make-shift bed. The pillow smelled like Saul and he buried his face in it - not sure of why exactly he did that. He fell asleep almost immediately. For the first time in months he could allow himself to sleep without his guards up and he slept for nearly sixteen hours.

 

The sound of a coffee machine eventually woke him. At first he didn't know where he was but that was nothing new to him, seeing that he had woken up in so many different places over the last months. Then he remembered. He was at Saul's apartment. The thought excited him so much that he sat up straight, almost jumping out of the bed. There was something that felt like a turning point in his dead-end life and maybe a chance to start over.

Saul was standing in the kitchenette with a cup of coffee in his hand. He looked over to Jesse.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"It's ok, I had to get up eventually."

Saul wondered why Jesse was beaming at him like this.

"What's the matter? Did you have a nice dream?"

"What? No, why?"

"You look happy."

"Oh, yeah, maybe because it _wasn't_ a dream. I mean, what happened yesterday. That I found you..."

Saul blinked, getting a fuzzy feeling. "That's very nice of you."

"I mean it." Jesse got out of the bed and Saul's gaze dropped to his legs. Jesse realized he had only his boxers on and started looking for his pants frantically.

Saul suppressed a grin and asked: "Do you want coffee?"

"Um, yeah, later. I'm gonna take a shower first, if that's ok?"

"Knock yourself out."

 

While under the shower - in the very tiny bathroom - Jesse thought about Saul and that he behaved very differently from back then. He hadn't made one single joke since they met the other day and his once so spirited demeanor had changed into something despondent and slightly melancholic. It made Jesse worry about him. He wanted to do something to elicit the old cheerful Saul out of that gloomy shell.

What he didn't realize was that the concern about Saul and his wish to make him happy had started to break up his own shell.

 

"What are your plans?" Saul asked him when they sat in the living room with their coffee cups.

Jesse shrugged. "I stopped making plans half a year ago. Didn't make sense to me anymore."

"So, you could stay for a couple of days?"

"Sure. If it doesn't bother you that it's very crowded in here."

"Not at all," Saul replied. "You don't need much space skinny as you are."

"Alright then, I'll stay."

Saul smiled and Jesse knew he was headed in the right direction.

They decided to watch TV and order a pizza. This was how almost all of Saul's Sunday afternoons looked like but today it was very different. With Jesse it was fun watching the same old dull TV shows because his statements made Saul laugh and every time he looked at Jesse he felt a kind of relief he didn't know what to make of. But as the day proceeded he began to understand that Jesse's presence was giving him his life back.

Jesse's existence was a proof for his own existence. Something he had started to doubt more and more with every day he had to spend at that mind-numbing job in that abominable town. He had almost lost himself because there was no one there to take notice of him. At least not as the person he really was.

Jesse sat on the floor, his back leaning against the chair Saul was sitting in. Every once in a while he turned his head to say something and Saul had a good look at his beautiful eyes. When they were illuminated by the TV they were transparent blue and Saul couldn't get enough of it.

Jesse was completely oblivious to Saul drooling over him like that and if he had known he probably would have died of embarrassment.

 

There was a show on with three women in the leading roles and Saul asked out of curiosity: "Which one do you like?"

Jesse threw him a questioning look. "What do you mean?"

"The girls." Saul nodded towards the TV.

"Um..." Jesse gave it some thought. "I don't know. Neither of them is hot." He turned around to Saul with a curious smile. "Which one do you like?"

"The blonde," Saul said.

Jesse made a strangled noise. "Seriously?" She was rather slutty looking.

He began to switch channels. "Let's see... how about them?" He looked expectantly at Saul.

Saul pointed out another blonde, busty girl with heavy make up. Jesse snickered and flipped through the channels til he got a picture of Saul's preferences.

"Oh my god, did it ever cross your mind that your marriages didn't work out because you have awful taste in women?" he asked, chuckling.

"Hey, don't be sassy kid." Saul shot him a gloomy look and Jesse turned away, well aware that it was best to shut up now.

Saul looked down at Jesse and wondered why on earth he felt so attracted to him. He had absolutely nothing in common with the girls he had pointed out on the TV.

"Hey," Jesse turned around to him once more. "I'm sorry, that was out of line what I just said," he apologized. "I didn't mean to insult you - or your ex wives."

"Forget it." Saul waved his hand dismissively. "I guess you got a point."

"Next time you'll choose better," Jesse said, encouragingly patting Saul's knee.

Saul snorted. "Next time."

"Yeah, you don't think there will be a next time?"

 _Jesus_ , Saul thought, _I'm not sure if it_ isn't _already next time_. "Sure, of course," he said to get off the topic. He decided it would be best to leave the scenery before he could do something stupid. He hauled himself out of the chair.

"I'm going to bed. I have to get up early in the morning."

"Yeah, right, you have a job," Jesse grinned.

Saul sighed heavily and the tortured look appeared in his eyes again.

Jesse got to his feet. "Hey, it won't be so bad. I'll be there when you come home and I can cook dinner if you'd like."

The expression on Saul's face turned into something near adoration. He closed the distance between them and pulled Jesse into a hug. Jesse froze in astonishment for a second. Before he could return the hug Saul stepped back.

"Sorry," he said."I just had to. You're the best. Sleep well." Saul retreated to his bedroom before Jesse could see his burning face.

Jesse stood there with a slightly moronic smile on his lips.

 

That night he had a dream about Saul. He saw him lying on the floor at the entrance of the Cinnabon shop in the mall. He rushed over to him and pulled him up into his arms. The place was crowded with people but they just stepped over them not taking any notice. Jesse was grateful for that because the whole country was looking for the two of them. Jesse tried desperately to wake Saul, shaking him and calling his name. Finally he opened his eyes and looked at Jesse but then he went limp and Jesse stared down at him in agony until he realized that Saul wasn't breathing anymore. Jesse felt the tears choking him and he pressed his face against Saul's.

He woke up shaking and with real tears in his eyes. He grabbed the pillow tightly, drowning in memories of dead and dying girlfriends. Then it hit him. What if Saul was dead in his bedroom right now? Jesse swung his legs out of the bed, he had to check on him even if it was going to be utterly embarrassing if Saul found out.

Jesse sneaked down the narrow hallway and opened the door to Saul's bedroom. It was completely dark in there because the blinds were closed. Jesse had to go back and fetch his phone to illuminate his way to Saul's bed. He looked down at him and saw the rising and falling of his chest. Jesse closed his eyes in relief.

Then there was a loud gasp and Saul was sitting bolt upright in his bed, staring at him with wide eyes. "Holy fucking Jesus, Jesse! You scared me!" he panted. He reached out to switch on the light beside the bed. "What in the name of hell are you doing here?"

Jesse let the phone sink. "I'm so sorry, I didn't wanna wake you. I... I just had this dream... a very vivid dream... about you dying. And you know with my history of dead girlfriends... I just had to check on you." He sounded a bit desperate.

Saul eyed him curiously. "You dreamed I was dying?"

Jesse swallowed. "It was really horrible." With the shock fading he felt the blood rush to his face. Saul wasn't sure if it was the glistening of partly wiped away tears in Jesse's lashes what he saw but if... his heart melted away with affection.

"You know, that's kind of cute that you're worried about me so much. So, I'm gonna forget that you scared the shit out of me but, please, next time don't stand there like a lunatic with a raised knife about to murder me."

Jesse bit his lip. "Ok. Again, I'm sorry."

"Go to sleep, kid, and have nicer dreams this time."

Jesse went out and climbed into his chair-bed, pulling the blanket over his face. He could have died.

 

In the morning he heard Saul taking a shower and making coffee. It was still dark outside. Terrible, to have to get up at this ungodly hour.

Saul came over to him. "Jesse? I'm leaving now. I'll be back around five, ok? I left you a second key on the counter."

"Ok," Jesse mumbled. "Have a nice day." He wasn't sure if he heard Saul snort at that quietly.

 

Saul's day wasn't all that bad. To his surprise the time went by much quicker today and he even found himself smiling once in a while. Although the feeling of acting behind a glass wall and not being really present was still there.

Jesse went grocery shopping for dinner. He tried to remember if Saul ever mentioned something that he liked to eat but he couldn't think of anything. So he decided to make enchiladas because that was something almost everybody liked.

When Saul came home he could already smell the food. That was something completely new in this apartment. Also that he had been looking forward to getting home all day. Usually it was just switching from one hell to another.

They sat down at the tiny table in the small space between the kitchen and the living room and Jesse asked him about his day.

"Thinking of you helped me to get it over with," Saul said, throwing caution to the wind.

"Aw." Jesse tried to take it as humorous exaggeration. Yet a persistent little part of his heart told him to be flattered.

 

"So, what do we do now?" Jesse asked after they had cleaned up the kitchen together.

"I usually go to bed early," Saul said.

Jesse glanced at the clock on the microwave. "At seven?"

"I have to get up at six," Saul replied defensively.

"Yeah, grandpa, come on, let's watch TV at least."

Saul followed him to the chair.

 _The chair_ , Jesse thought amused. _It's like a parody on the usual couch_.

"You don't mind me sitting in your bed?" Saul asked with an ironic undertone Jesse didn't know what to make of.

"We can both sit on it if you don't mind. It's big enoug, I guess." Jesse didn't want to spend another evening on the floor. Or maybe there was some other reason too.

Saul gave him an amazed look.

"Like you said, I don't need much space."

They sat down next to each other - very close; their shoulders and legs touching. Saul didn't mind at all but he was afraid of the awkwardness that might come up. Jesse shifted and wriggled til he had found a position he was comfortable with. Saul waited it out patiently, trying not to smile.

"Are you done?" he asked when Jesse finally leaned his head back and sighed contentedly.

Jesse gave him a look that turned Saul's stomach upside down. Saul considered he was not gonna make it through the evening if Jesse kept on being so fucking sexy.

Jesse was a bit shocked when he found Saul's big blue eyes so close in front of him and he looked away quickly, his heart beating a little faster.

Neither of them paid much attention to the TV. Saul's brain was completely occupied with being aware of Jesse's proximity and Jesse got sleepy. The monotone voices on the show lulled him into slumber and suddenly Saul found Jesse's head leaning against his shoulder and his knees resting on his thigh.

A big smile spread over his face.

After a while of savoring Jesse's warmth and his weight against Saul's side he decided he couldn't stand it any longer without taking him into his arms. "Jesse?" Saul nudged him gently and Jesse opened his eyes. It took him a while to get the situation then he sat up. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to..." He broke off and rubbed his face like sleepy kids do.

"It's not that," Saul said, rolling his eyes. "You were asleep on my shoulder for almost an hour, unfortunately I have to go to bed now."

Jesse looked at him a bit confused.

Saul smiled at him. "Feel free to check on me whenever you have a bad dream," he teased, wanting to see Jesse blush again - with success.

"Hey, that's nothing to be ashamed of," Saul continued. He was so close - he leaned in to kiss Jesse on the cheek and stopped at the last moment. With a sigh he pulled back and smiled sadly. "See, _that_ was really embarrassing."

Jesse stared at him. "Wha - yo, di... did you wanna kiss me?"

"Just a little." Saul got to his feet. "And now I'm gonna go and hope the ground will open up and swallow me."

"Wait."

Saul turned around slowly and looked at Jesse who was standing on the chair now.

"Was that supposed to be a kiss good night?"

"Kinda."

There was a long exchange of looks then Jesse slumped back into the chair. "Night," he mumbled.

"Night." Saul went to his bedroom, mentally kicking his ass for being so stupid.

 

That night Jesse had a dream about kissing Saul. Real kisses - on the lips. When he woke up he was sweating and slightly aroused. He tried to make sense of it and came to the conclusion his sex-starved body had created this dream out of pure desperation. Though he couldn't stop thinking of it.

In the morning when Saul came over to say good bye he pretended to be asleep. He felt Saul's hand gently moving over his arm. "See you tonight," Saul said quietly and left.

 

Jesse couldn't go back to sleep. His thoughts were circling around the question what Saul was up to. Not that he didn't enjoy the attention Saul gave him, he just wasn't used to it, especially when it came from another guy. He couldn't imagine Saul actually having a crush on him... although he acted like itin a rather obvious way.

 

Saul wished nothing more than to go home and set things straight with Jesse. The hours seemed to extend endlessly and he couldn't concentrate on his work. He was afraid he had scared Jesse off with his behavior and he couldn't think of anything worse right now than losing him again.

He was prepared for all kinds of discussions when he opened the door of his apartment - even for the possibility that Jesse wasn't there anymore.

Instead he sat foot into a clean and tidy living room. He looked around, amazed. "What happened here? Jesse, what did you do?"

Jesse came out of the kitchen. "I thought since you let me stay here I could do something in return and, no offense, but it really needed to be cleaned."

"None taken," Saul said. "I know it was messy but you don't have to do this. You don't know what it means to me to have you here." _Shit, not prepared for this kind of talk_.

"So?" Jesse asked with a knowing smile. "What does it mean to you?"

 _Shit, shit, shit_.

Jesse looked at him in silent amusement. Seeing Saul searching for words was new.

"I tried to kiss you! What do you think that means?" Saul blurted out, casting diplomacy into the wind.

"Usually it means that you're into me," Jesse replied. He tilted his head to the side and gave Saul a curious raise of eyebrows.

Saul opened his mouth and closed it again. The kid had really caught him off guard with this slightly flirty behaviour.

Jesse decided to have mercy on him.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. It's ok."

"No, it's not ok." Saul found his voice again. "I didn't plan on being so obvious but apparently I can't hide anything." He walked into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of gin.

Jesse made a disgusted face. "Really? Gin? Straight?"

"On the rocks," Saul growled, grabbed a handful of ice from the fridge and threw it into his glass.

Jesse watched him.

"Don't look at me like that." Saul felt very uncomfortable.

"I'm not. I was just wondering."

"About what?" Saul knew he had absolutely no right to be so grumpy and that made him all the more grumpy.

"The reason why you are so nervous all of a sudden that you need a drink. I mean, I completely understand, I'm the junkie here but you always seem so confident."

"Are you disappointed now?" Saul asked, sounding a bit challenging.

"No, still just wondering. Talk to me. What's on your mind?"

Saul took a sip from the glass and put it down on the kitchen counter.

"You really wanna know?"

"Otherwise I wouldn't have asked."

Saul marveled. He didn't remember ever having seen Jesse talking about something that affected him so calm and composed. He must have gained some self confidence in the past year. It suited him.

"Alright then," Saul said, leaning back against the counter. "I'm attracted to you." He paused, expecting a reaction from Jesse but the young man just looked at him, so he continued: "I don't wanna scare you off with this, by no means. And I would never do anything without your consent."

"I know," Jesse said softly. "And I'm not scared... just surprised, I guess."

"So... you're not appalled or disgusted or anything?" Saul asked with a bit of disbelief. "Not in the slightest?"

Jesse shook his head. "You're crazy. Why would I be disgusted?"

"Because!" Saul said in a tone like it should be clear to anyone.

"Yeah, ok, but I'm not. Accept it."

They looked at each other and Jesse grinned.

"You really had your panties in a knot over that, hadn't you? You were afraid I'd be completely grossed out by the thought of you hitting on me."

"Yeah." Saul grimaced. "Don't be all smug about it."

"It's a nice feeling, to be wanted."

"I can imagine," Saul grumbled, lifting his glass again.

"No need to be sarcastic, man. I didn't say I'm not interested... just give me time, ok, to figure it out."

Saul blinked. He really hadn't expected something else than a rejection. He put the glass down. "You mean that? Don't mess with me here, that wouldn't be funny at all."

"I'm not messing with you, Saul. Come, let's sit down and order something to eat, I'm starving."

 

After dinner they sat in the chair together, Jesse leaning against Saul's warm and solid body. He wasn't wondering anymore. Something was completely upside down inside of him since he had met Saul again. He had been craving for someone to touch him and to talk to him after these endless months of loneliness so badly he hadn't been surprised when he liked the physical contact between the two of them. But it didn't stop there. He still liked it. There was something utterly soothing in Saul's touch. Maybe because he was the only person in the world he could be honest with. The only one alive who knew about his crimes and still wanted to spend time with him.

Maybe because he was a part of the time in his life before everything had fallen apart.

Jesse was a very emotional person who always acted first and thought afterwards. He wasn't one to over-analyze his feelings. He wasn't now either. Next to Saul he felt comfortable, safe and secure and he wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.

Saul on the other hand had known on their first evening together that something was building inside of him that was beyond any normal feeling of friendship between men. And he had asked himself why not fall in love with another man? He never had been particularly lucky with women, like his three divorces showed clearly. And Jesse was a very attractive and good-hearted young man, minus the rough shell he had built around himself for protection - and even that was sexy sometimes.

Saul was a smart guy, he knew when there was no point in denying anything. And now that Jesse didn't seem to be reluctant at all like Saul had him expected to be, he saw possibilities he had never dared to imagine.

There was a topic Saul had wanted to talk about since Jesse showed up at the Cinnabon restaurant. By the time he had figured out how to get started, Jesse was cuddled up in his arms, his head resting on Saul's chest.

"I heard about Walt's death in the news but they never said anything about you."

"Yeah, I guess the tape with my confessions got destroyed when Mr. White attacked the Nazis but I can't be sure of it."

"Let's hope so."

Saul let his eyes wander over the scars in Jesse's face. Every time he wondered who and what had caused them his guts twisted in a very unpleasant way. Whoever had done this to Jesse, Saul hated them with fervor.

He gathered his courage and asked: "What happened to your face? I really wanna know."

Saul felt Jesse tense a bit and shift uncomfortably but he didn't let go of him.

Jesse hesitated and then it all came out; he told Saul everything. About the shootout in the desert, how Mr. White sold him out to the Nazis, what Todd did to him to get him talking about what he had told the DEA, his confinement and how they chained him up in the lab and forced him to cook meth for them. He told him about Todd shooting Andrea in front of his eyes, how Mr. White came one night to kill the Nazi crew, rescued him and caught a bullet in the process.

By the time he finished, his face was wet from tears and he took great comfort in Saul's embrace.

Saul was shocked. The thought of someone being capable of torturing Jesse was horrible.

"So, they are all dead now?" he asked eventually.

"Yes." Jesse wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. "It was me... who killed Todd," he said in a very low voice. He didn't mention it before but now he realized he had to tell it before it consumed him. "I strangled him with the chains they had me in."

Saul tried not to imagine. "He deserved it, I guess," he said a bit vaguely. "I mean, I got no idea how... but... after all he did to you."

Jesse said nothing to that. He knew Saul was only trying to console him but deep down inside he was aware that there was never a justification for killing someone. Yes, for a few moments it had felt great to finally take revenge, to feel the other man struggle and hear his death rattle but after that there was only horror left and he had to live with it for the rest of his life.

They stayed silent for a while. For Jesse it always took time to push back the memories in some distant place of his mind after he had allowed them to come forth. Saul also needed to process what he had just heard. It was the brutal end to a long story of suffering that cost many people's lives. It was hard to get his head around the fact that he and Jesse were the only ones who had survived. He was sure that Jesse deserved it but not so sure about himself. _Stop being so dramatic_ , he reprimanded himself, _that's ridiculous. You are alive, enjoy it._ And in the same process of thoughts he decided to assign himself to the protection of Jesse. That's if he was going to let him.

"Jesse?" He let his fingers skim over Jesse's cheek, a bit marveled by his own boldness but Jesse didn't seem to mind. He lifted his head to look at him questioningly.

"I know this comes totally out of the blue," Saul began, "but do you wanna come with me and leave this obnoxious place forever?"

Jesse had to think about it only for a second. "Yeah, I wanna come with you. After all you're the only piece of home I got left."

"Wow," Saul said, "that's one of the nicest things anyone ever said to me. And it's not true. What about your parents?"

Jesse snorted. "They probably burned all my stuff and erased me out of their memories."

"I think they're worried sick over you. At least that's what I would be if you were my son."

"You don't have children, do you?" Jesse asked.

"Not that I know of."

"Never wanted any?"

"Never really thought of it."

"I like kids," Jesse said. "I always wanted to have some."

 _Oh my God_ , Saul thought, _he really is the good guy_.

"What about Andrea's kid? Brock was his name, right?" Saul realized too late that he had stepped on a mine when he saw Jesse's face crumble.

"Shit, sorry, I really don't know when to shut up," he said worriedly.

Jesse shook his head and sat up, wrapping his arms around himself.

"It's my fault they killed his mother and there's nothing I could ever do to make it right. And don't try to make it sound less awful," Jesse continued when Saul opened his mouth to object, "because that's what it is."

Saul said nothing, just watched him closely, his heart aching with compassion. Jesse sat there, biting his lips, his gaze lost somewhere in the depths of his grief.

"Do you... do you know what happened to him?" Saul asked tentatively.

Jesse shook his head and swallowed. "My only hope is it wasn't him who found her - " His voice cracked and he broke off.

"I can try to find out where he is and if he's alright; as soon as we got out of here. Do you want me to do that?" Saul asked.

Jesse nodded.

Saul felt the urge to hold him and comfort him but he saw that there was no point in trying to break through the wall of pain around Jesse; at least not yet.

 


End file.
